A not so good day...

Today was not a very good day. Mama came into my room last night and asked me where the check was. I told her it was on the desk in the checkbook along with a deposit slip. She told me not to cash it yet, that she might need it for something.

This morning she was agitated. Wanted to know again where the check was and had I cashed it. I told her that I hadn't because the banks were closed until Monday. She looked almost angry.

I was looking for the bag of sewing machine feet when she asked me what I was doing. I told her and she started searching too. She went though everything I'd already been through, over and over again. The only thing I hadn't looked through was the tray where I have the dress cut out for Avery. I thought it couldn't be there because I put in what was there and here I was looking for them. She looked until she was getting tired. I told her she should rest so she went to the couch and went to sleep. Later she went back to searching and accidentally turned over the tray and out came the bag. I know that I didn't put the bag there, but I was glad to have it.

After lunch I told her I wanted to go to L&L to see if they had any foam. I asked her if she would like to go with me. She said yes but not to rush her because she wasn't ready yet. I said that was fine, for her to let me know when she was ready to go. It didn't take her very long but then she started scrabbling in her purse. Then she went to the desk and brought back the check book, check, and deposit slip. She wanted to cash it but I told her it was Saturday and the banks had closed at noon. She got upset and said she didn't have any money. I told her she did but that wasn't good enough. I got the black change purse out of my bag and gave it to her. Maybe that means she has money. I think I'll put money in there every week so she won't feel she can't shop a little when she wants to. The angry looks and glares were hard to take. I know she didn't mean any of it personally but it still was hard. I decided not to say any more and finally she calmed down and seemed to forget about the check.

I'll wait until Monday and then ask her for the check so I can deposit part of it and put the rest of it in her black bag. I'll write a check for cash at another bank and put it in my change purse to use for HH. My money can go in my zippered change purse.

We neither found what we had hoped to find. It really looked junky today, more than usual. I may go back later and look without her.

I plan to spend tomorrow picking things up and putting things away. I want it to look less like a sewing factory. There are things I'd like to put away so I guess I'll make up another box. Right now the house feels cluttered, except for the living room and 3/4 of the bedrooms.

I decided to take a nap after we got back from L&L. My real reason was that I was about to cry and didn't want Mama to know. Sometimes I know she doesn't really want me here. She needs me but doesn't want to need anyone. I cook, do dishes, do most of the laundry, dust mop the floors, use the carpet sweeper, pay all the bills, balance the checkbooks, sort through papers (there are many stacks to go), straighten drawers, closets, and cabinets. Sometime I wonder why I try. Mama goes behind me and scrabbles in what ever I've done (except the cooking, dishes, and floor care).

About two weeks ago we took a key to the bank to open the lock box. It wasn't the correct key. We went home and Mama scrabbled around and finally found it. I went to the bank and looked through the box. Not much of value but a lot of sentimental things. When I got home she told me we should hide the key. I think she must be afraid someone will steal it and take things out of the box (that couldn't happen but I can't get her to relax about it). So we put it in the sewing cabinet in a box of odds and ends.

While searching for the sewing machine feet, I came across the key in a basket. I took the key, put it in an envelope and hid it where only I know where it is. If she finds it this time I'll be shocked. Since she doesn't know I took it and she probably won't even thing about it again I'm probably safe. There is no reason we couldn't simply put it in the desk drawer so we could find it easily when the time comes. There are keys everywhere in this house. I think I get all of them together in a box as I find them.

I ended up crying myself to sleep, feeling sorry for myself and upset for feeling sorry. When I woke I felt much better. Most of it could have been tiredness I guess.